Last Memories

YUMMY!

Bill loved to play!

Sometimes pictures are pure torture for me!

These pictures are sweet though and make me smile through my tears.

It's time for Will's 2nd birthday (New Year's Eve!) and looking back on his 1st

and how much fun we all had makes me glad that these are my

last memories of us all being together.

I had looked forward to it always being like this but now I need to get used to

going on without them and trying to make new, fun memories. HARD!!

I'm not especially fond of staying up until midnight for New Years and neither was Bill. I think I'll celebrate Will's birthday, be with the kids, go to bed and wake up in 2010 with new hope.....maybe......hopefully........Lord willing.

More Christmas Memories!

The Rooney Boys

The Rooney boys and their cousins decked out in Christmas outfits made by Aunt Jackie

Sean hardly ever took off his coonskin cap!

Bringing in the tree.....Patrick working hard while Sean poses. Love Bill's tennis shorts! :-)

I choose joy, I choose Jesus!

Even though all of the light in my sky is dim, I choose to celebrate the birth of Jesus and the hope that it brings. The gift of everlasting life was bought for us by the birth of a tiny baby in a simple manger 2,000 years ago. For unto us a child is born, unto us a Son is given. The hope that was born that silent holy night is what sustains me. May your family enjoy that same hope this season and always! Merry Christmas from the Rooney family!

Christmas Memories

I'm trying desperately to hold on to the wonderful memories that we made as a family in order to get through the pain of missing Bill and Patrick this Christmas. Trust me, it's harder than it sounds!

Bill alway called me his Christmas woman! It sounds sweet but sometimes I think he thought I got carried away. One year I was so disappointed that he and Patrick would be playing in a baseball tournament and wouldn't be able to put up Christmas lights on the house. What I didn't know is that while I was away visiting with Grandma, Bill and Patrick were really decking the house out! I came home with Grandma in the car for her regular stay and WOW, the house looked beautiful! (The photo doesn't do it justice) Bill even used a lift to put lights on the very top of the house! I was completely enchanted!

Patrick's 27th Birthday

On November 17th 1982 William Patrick Rooney III was born to my delight.........It was a boy!

He was sweet from the beginning (a little whiney at times). He grew into a wonderful boy and then became a great man, husband and father. This is the first birthday without him and it's been so incredibly hard! A Mother's love is tender and fierce at the same time but without him sometimes it feels lost. I love you Patrick with all of my heart!

I'm not OK!

I know I went to Europe but it doesn't mean that I'm ok. I know that I wear a smile on my face and I go about my business as if things are normal but I don't feel normal at all! I get together with friends and family and wear a smile but believe me, I'm crying on the inside. Life for everyone else moves forward but for me it stands still. Those around me go home to their families but my family isn't the same family anymore. Half of us are missing! If you think that I'm paying attention to what you're saying to me.....think again! When Bill and Patrick died they took half of my brain!

What I need is for you to cry with me. Don't make me feel uncomfortable when I seem out of sorts. I think that I'll be out of sorts for quite some time. As Patrick's birthday approaches, I feel more and more as though I've been dealt an unfair blow that is hard to resolve. In time I will resolve it, don't worry. God is my strength and salvation. Without Him I would not even be able to write this.

Caught by surprise!

There I was with a burst of energy in the mood to do some cleaning and organizing. I like it when I feel like that!

You know how sometimes you don't see the clutter until you realize someone is coming over? That's just what happened but I felt up to the occasion?

The office was a mess. First I organized some stacks of papers and put them in files. Then I threw away some magazines that were taking up way too much space on my shelves. Books needed to be put back on the bookshelf from the last trip I made. I found things that were dated so long ago I forgot what they were for!

I looked over at the coat rack and noticed it was cluttered too. One by one I started removing first the hats and then a couple of jackets. BIG mistake........I fell apart! The sobs wracked my body. Wow, where did that come from? I guess I'm not ready to get rid of or move Bill's things. I'm just not ready. Nope, I'm not ready. I wonder when I will be?

My sweet boy

Only a mother understands the deep, deep pain of losing her child. Patrick was supposed to enjoy all that life had to offer and he was well on his way! He was a darling baby...............

Then a charming young man

Then he met the girl of his dreams

And they got married happily ever after

They started a family

Patrick was a great Da Da!

And then came the icing on the cake!

Where can I put the pain of it all? It explodes all over the place and it can be so messy! The tears are never ending yet the memories so precious. Where can one go for comfort but to the Lord? I do not know.

R/J Wedding 9/26/09

this gives you the idea of the mood

Will is wearing Patrick's vest and his belt buckle.

Check out Reese behind him with her suede cowboy boots

Erynn was very brave and gracious........Oh and beautiful!

This melts my heart!

Thanks for the escort Sean

The bride and groom

The bride and groom riding off into the sunset

An internal storm brewed inside of me leading up to the wedding. I was so worried that I couldn't do it without Bill or Patrick there. Either I would be crying the whole time or I'd just be blah. In fact in the days before I did have a few meltdowns and so I pleaded with the Lord to take my hand and sit beside me through this. He did! He met me were I needed and with the help of amazing family and friends I actually enjoyed myself. I could celebrate Sean and Jana, with a few tears mind you, and laughter! It was beautiful as you can see. Congratulations Sean and Jana!

One thing I love about Steamboat........crazy weather!

The calm before the storm!

We're watching our barn as the storm approaches

The rainbow was beautiful!

Here's the other side of the rainbow

Doesn't this look like a Van Gogh? I'm inspired

The next day brought hail and a little snow. Uh oh, a wedding is coming!

I love the weather! Especially when I can watch it from a comfortable spot. Here we were expecting something but not expecting the dramatic scene that unfolded before us. I'm sure the pictures don't do it justice.......it was crazy and fun! Little did I know that the real internal storm was yet to come! I'll keep you posted!

I need a hug!

Throughout our marriage when I asked Bill for a hug he knew that I was feeling sad or alone about something. I would ask and he would oblige with no hesitation, even if he was mad at me! Bill would say that we were a perfect fit. I fit just under his arm in a way that made him feel protective and in charge. Bill was very sweet and never felt uncomfortable about being affectionate. The kids would giggle when we would hug or kiss but I think it was a good example for them. I would give anything to feel his arms around me again!  

When you say you're praying for me...........

I think of this song and I can imagine that heaven is

hearing my name and how much I'm hurting! To know that God is

listening to your prayers helps me to hold on!

Thank you for lifting me and Erynn up in prayer along with our hurting families. It means so much!

Bill would've been at a Tea Party in a minute!

I laugh every time that I see or hear about the "Tea Parties"

and I'll tell you why.............

When Bill was frustrated with government and it's inefficiencies and it's encroachment on our individual choices and liberty he would tell me, "What we need is a revolt by the people like the Boston Tea Party. I could really get involved with that!" I would laugh and say, "sure Bill!"

Just like so many other things, Bill was before his time. He had great intuition and foresight! I'd love it if he could see what's going on. I can imagine how much fun Bill and I would have at a Tea Party. Our sign would say "THROW THE BUMS OUT!!!"

Is this my reality?

I have a love, hate relationship with the pictures and memories on my shelves!

Patrick's sweet face....I want to give him a hug again so bad!

Bill's trophy Caribou makes me want to smile and cry at the same time!

It's late.

The movie is over and the music is finished.

I'm not distracted anymore.

I look around but the memories and the missing are too much to bear!

How can this be me?

How can I endure this aching?

All I hear right now is the sound of an empty house.

Bill the story teller!

When I found this picture I had to laugh! The stories that Bill would tell were delightful and captivating! The kids remember them to this day. He told the story of how our lab named Champ saved the kids from a bear attack and got clawed and that was how he got his scar! In actuality, he got Parvo and needed surgery.

A favorite prayer with the kids at night was a funny one!

"Now I lay me down to sleep,

with my Ford Bronco in the street.

If I should die before I wake,

please dear Lord put on the brake!"

He was funny and silly! I can't imagine the stories he would've told the grandkids!

It's Patrick's turn!

Have I ever told you how sweet Patrick was? (I HATE to say...... was!) These pictures are evidence of what a sweet spirit he had. I hardly ever had to discipline Patrick because he was pretty compliant. When he was young he was easy.....then he grew up and got a mind of his own! His sweet spirit never left though, God gave him that! Patrick was kind to his brothers and kind to others. One of the last things that I remember that he did was to deliver breakfast burritos to the firemen in Yorba Linda who were fighting the terrible fires we experienced last year!