Saturday, November 14, 2009

I'm not OK!

I know I went to Europe but it doesn't mean that I'm ok. I know that I wear a smile on my face and I go about my business as if things are normal but I don't feel normal at all! I get together with friends and family and wear a smile but believe me, I'm crying on the inside. Life for everyone else moves forward but for me it stands still. Those around me go home to their families but my family isn't the same family anymore. Half of us are missing! If you think that I'm paying attention to what you're saying to me.....think again! When Bill and Patrick died they took half of my brain!

What I need is for you to cry with me. Don't make me feel uncomfortable when I seem out of sorts. I think that I'll be out of sorts for quite some time. As Patrick's birthday approaches, I feel more and more as though I've been dealt an unfair blow that is hard to resolve. In time I will resolve it, don't worry. God is my strength and salvation. Without Him I would not even be able to write this.

9 comments:

erynn said...

I struggle with that daily.. are people thinking that I'm ok? Do they thing I'm better? I'm NOT! I never will be.

MandyMy said...

Sometimes all we need is a silent partner. Someone to sit along side of us, and allow us to cry. Someone that won't fill the time together with pointless words. I learned that in my last 2 years, and I was lucky enough to have good friends who understood that when I told them. People know that we hurt, but to avoid feeling uncomfortable when they are around us they may pretend that we are okay. The ones who truly know, and love us, know that the smiles are forced, and the laughter is not real. They are the ones that know in their hearts that we aren't okay, and when you open up to them they'll understand. These people are just afraid that if they say or do the wrong thing we'll crumble into a billion pieces. Don't be afraid to open up, and tell the ones you hold dear, what you need in this time. With their help, and God's love, we survive this hurt and loss. We'll never be the same, but hopefully one day, we'll heal enough, so that the smiles and laughter are not fake.
You, and your family are in my thoughts and prayers!

Much love, and huge hugs your way!

Mandy

Anonymous said...

I pray for you and Erynn every Sunday. May God comfort you. Know that it is OK to not be OK. No one would be OK if they were in your shoes. So, cry when you need to, talk about your men until your blue in the face and let your family and friends just be there to listen.

Debbie said...

I wish I had the right words of wisdom and comfort for you but I don't. Just know that there are many of us who pray for you daily!

I have not experienced a loss as you have, but imagine if I did I would want to scream everyday with the pain and unfairness of it all! As said before you need to be the way you need to be and not pretend to be OK to make others comfortable!

Thinking and praying for you everyday!!!

Glenda said...

Thinking and praying for you and Erynn. It's OK to cry when you need to... I can only imagine the hole in your heart and the void that will forever be there. The smile is for everyone else. Sending you hugs XXX

Kris said...

Debi,
I have written once before on your blog. I have also left a comment on your daughter in law's. I am a friend of Lori's. I knew she was going to Italy with you, and I have thought of you SO very often. I have no words of wisdom, nothing of comfort to offer you. We have met, I think on two occasions. Once at Pam and Gregg's for a Casino night, or maybe that was at Wallach's...can't remember for sure. Anyway, I think of you daily, I pray for you daily. And I hope we get to meet again some day.
Hugs,
Kris

darcie said...

I cannot imagine the pain that you and your family are going through - of course you are not ok - and that's ok.
Surround yourself with those that no better - and are ok with that themselves...
xoxo

julie said...

Of course you aren't OK. I can't imagine how anyone would think that you are. So what if you smile, that doesn't mean that you're necessarily happy, you're surviving and that is perfectly fine. You and Erynn and the rest of your family are constantly in my prayers. by the grace of God you will get through this.

yukrh said...

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