All I want for Christmas

Dear Santa,

Would you bring my Husband and Son back this Christmas as my gift? It's all I want and I've been a very good girl! I've been brave and put a smile on my face even when I didn't feel like it. I've kept putting one foot in front of the other with God's help even when my legs wouldn't move.  My strength is gone and my smile wanes. I'm just not the same girl that I used to be. If I could only see them again to give them a hug and tell them how much I love them I'd be so happy. Christmas would be perfect if you'd only give me the gift that I'm asking for. PLEASE!

Love,

Debi

What is thankfulness?

Since my last "feeling sorry for myself" post I've had a revelation of sorts. I can get up in the morning and choose each day to be thankful for what I have! Trust me, it's not easy; it's possible though. I've made some headway since last year and I give that to God for sure!

After a recent church sermon preparing us for the Thanksgiving holiday I was reminded that in
I Thessalonians 5:18 we are called to: "Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." Hmmmm, all circumstances? Yep.......all circumstances! Even when I've lost my husband and son in an airplane crash? Even when I feel that my world has come crashing down? Even when my tears won't stop flowing? How about when I see Patrick's children without their earthly Father who loved them so much? Yep........even then!

What does that look like in real life? I can't say that I know for sure. I'm trusting that if God said it then it's true and it's possible and I'll keep holding on to it. I'll try a new perspective when I can. Being thankful puts my focus in the right place. I'm not sick. I get up each morning maybe a little more slowly but I get up. I have a beautiful home with family and friends to love. I have food on my table with more overflowing. I have clothes to wear and a church to go to and I can express myself in a free country. I have MUCH to be thankful for!!

 Will and Colin

 Reesie with her new puppy! (notice the pigtails!)

 left to right
Colin Rooney, Bobby Sole, Sean Rooney, Bryan Johnston

Patrick would have turned 28 on November 17th, 2010

Life is a gift! Live in thankfulness for that gift!
Have a blessed Thanksgiving!

XOXO

Wow! It's already November.

I haven't posted for awhile and I can really feel it. There are things that I need to get off of my chest! When I get up in the morning and look outside at the new day I can hardly believe that Bill and Patrick are gone! It's strange the hand I've been dealt. Things seem normal sometimes but then again sometimes they feel terribly wrong! I go about my day but there are moments when I want to scream, "Hey everyone! Don't you get it? My husband and son are dead!" There...... I said the word. "Dead", it's an awful word of finality. I can't get it out of my mouth most of the time. But that's the way it is, that's my reality.

I have a secret. If I died today it wouldn't bother me. I'd get to be with them. I'd get to be in heaven. Don't get me wrong, I'm not wishing that I would die. I'm just saying that if I did, I'd be fine with that. Losing a husband and a son at the same time has shaken me to the core. I'll never be the same. I need to give myself permission to travel this journey however long it takes. Hopefully, you'll understand.

When I walk through my entryway every night, I'm reminded that Patrick loved the holidays and when he was in Steamboat a few years back he brought back a lit fall tree for me and Erynn. I couldn't put it up last year but now that I have this season, I smile when I walk by it because I think of him.

Laughter..........and a little boy

They say that laughter is the best medicine and I believe it!
Solomon in Ecclesiastes says that there is a time to weep and a time to laugh.
This was our time to laugh and it felt soooo good!
God is faithful. So far He's blessed me with two darling grandchildren that bring incredible joy to my life. I'm very thankful. It's funny because it wasn't too long ago when I struggled to find anything to be thankful for. Hmmmm.............maybe the healing is beginning?

Video characters:
Erynn (Mommy): filming
Uncle Bam Bam (Sean): driving and speaking in Japanese =)
Auntie Jana: in car laughing
GiGi (Debi): referred to by Will, sitting in way back
Uncle Eeee (Colin): referred to by Will saying "sushi" and "was up mein?"
Will: The Main Attraction!
Reese: Baby Sis and finale

dreams

I've prayed that I would see you in my dreams, both of you. Recently my prayer was answered. It's not the first time. It was so nice to have you both there though.......at the same time. I don't remember much detail but we were traveling by train together and I felt good. When I woke up I was overwhelmed with a good feeling as if you were both telling me that it's ok, that you're with me still just a slight dimension away. I wished that I could go back to sleep to be with you both again. That's the only bad part, not wanting to wake up.

It's time

I think it's time for me to start putting things away that belong to Bill.
He isn't coming back after all.
His clothes are hanging on the rack in the bathroom. Why?
Maybe I haven't been able to face the fact that he really isn't going to come
through the door ever again yelling WOMAN!
His slippers and a pair of shoes are sitting in front of the closet like they've been
for a year and a half.............just waiting.
It's terrifying to realize that I'm alone without the part
that made me feel complete.
Somewhere deep inside of me I need to find the me that came before him.
But that was so long ago.

Reflections in Steamboat

I'm in Steamboat and I'm enjoying it. It's beautiful here! We did this more for Bill though. This is where he really looked forward to spending his time. He loved it here and I'm sad that I don't get to savor the time here together with him. This was his conception. Every place I look I want to turn to him and say "This turned out great!" But it's more than that. He loved the outdoors and this is where he was going to fill that love. Instead I'm doing it without him. I miss the opportunity to hear him say "Welcome to God's country!" Steamboat is filled with down to earth nice people, no traffic and great beauty and I wish so much that Bill was here to enjoy it with me!

Bill loved his Gator! Now Colin gets to love it

He'd be sitting in this chair admiring his territory

He'd be smiling at this gorgeous sunset

He'd be smiling at this rainbow too

What does a Father pass on?

His name,
His looks,
His smile,
The way that he walks.
He passes on
His sense of humor,His compassion, His generosity
and How to love.
He passes on
His integrity, His faith,
His confidence and.....oops! His temper.
He passes on
His mechanical skills,
His business mind and
His common sense.
He passes on
His love of hunting and the great outdoors
and His talent for baseball.
He passes on
His way with people,
His tenderness and
the love he has for his family.
Happy Father's Day!

Green Bracelets

When I see green bracelets my heart skips a beat!
If you don't wear one, it's OK.
I'm not sure what it means to me.
Someday, I'm sure, I'll take mine off.
In the meantime, I'm touched when I see one.
It could be my Dad,
my sister,
or my friend.
I might see one on Colin's baseball teammate,
one of Patrick's dear friends,
or even my banker!
It might be my daughter-in-law's sister or aunt,
a friend of my nephew's, or even a note that says Patrick's Little League All-star teammate still keeps his on too.
When I'm asked to send one to one of Patrick's Pepperdine baseball teammates, I smile.
I guess it comforts me to know Bill and Patrick are still remembered.

Inspiration!

For our 10th wedding anniversary Bill took me to France! It was a wonderful trip! Among other things, we visited Monet's garden outside of Paris in Giverney and there our love for beautiful gardens began. Especially our love of roses! We came home and tried to mimic some of what we saw. It worked to a large degree and in the spring, especially this spring, I venture into the garden, see the roses, and think of Bill! How sweet he was to get on board with roses! I actually think he liked them too! We seemed to be on the same page when it came to decor and how we wanted our home to look. I was so lucky that way......thank you Bill!

Monet's Garden.......Inspiration!

Bill is so cute!

Bill had to put on a suit for the restaurant we were going to!

This is our backyard. I love it!

Believe it or not, our dogs live behind those doors!

This is my garden!

This is my garden!

This is my garden!

This is in my garden!


"Love planted a rose and the world turned sweet"

Mother's Day 2010

I think about days like Mother's Day and Father's Day very differently now. I don't really like them. I called them "Hallmark Holidays" before. I didn't need a special day that someone else decided was a day to be celebrated. I felt special and loved most of the time anyway! These holidays were designed by the retail industry to make us spend our money. Now, I think of all the people who wish that these days didn't serve as a reminder of what they lost. Next, I think of anyone who actually loses a child or parent on Mother's Day or Father's Day...............worse!

What can I tell myself to get through this? I say things like, "it could be worse!" or, "I'm thankful I had them in the first place" and sometimes even, "I'll see them in heaven some day." It makes sense in my head but not always in my heart. Remember to cherish every moment; keep the people you love close!

Happy Birthday Bill!

Kinda weird seeing a model airplane flying

Bill missed another birthday. He would've been 56. I always envied the fact that he didn't really mind getting older. He insisted he'd get an eye job one of these days though. He was great to have around. He was fun, he made life an adventure! I feel less than whole without him........ come to think of it, I feel barely a part.

I had hoped to be in Steamboat again for the big day but was warned of a snow storm that would probably make an already sad day even more gloomy. It was beautiful here in California. My sweet sister went with me to a local trail that Bill and I hiked to regularly and let off notes attached to balloons. I know it's not environmentally friendly but I'm not sure that I care right now!

The card read:

I said a prayer for you today,
the way I always do.
To thank God for the precious gift
of sharing life with you.

I thanked Him for the way we met,
the way we fell in love.
Realizing now that
He was watching from above.

And then I asked
for every special blessing He could send
For you-my one and only,
my husband and my friend.

Happy Birthday With All My Love!

Patrick.......Daddy

Sometimes the struggle to survive this awful sorrow is just too much to take.
When I see a young Father with his kids I feel ripped off for Will and Reese. Patrick was going to be such a great Dad! He wanted to be a Father so much! When I realize that Will and Reese aren't going to get the opportunity to know Patrick I wonder where the sense of that is? What is the justification, God? Please tell me! I don't understand!

Believe me, there are many of us that will tell stories about Patrick to Will and Reese. We'll tell them how much he loved them but it won't be the same! I want to see Patrick hold his kids and throw them up in the air laughing! I want him to hug and kiss them until they giggle uncontrollably! I would've loved to see Patrick teach them and play with them like a loving Daddy would do. I feel so jipped!

Widow?

I recently had to sign some papers. I showed up to the appointment with much anticipation. "This is my first business transaction to do all by myself" I said to myself. (Bill was an expert at it) I sat down at the conference table and looked at the stack of paperwork in front of me. Oh my gosh!.......

Debra A. Rooney, Widow

Are you kidding? That's what I am now? A widow?
I'm in shock and feel a little light headed.
I just don't want to believe it.
I wish there was a better word.
I'm feeling a little sorry for myself.
Don't I always get to check the married box?
I don't even have any pictures by myself!
Do I have to accept this? Do I have a choice?
Not really. It's what I am now.
I don't like it.

Happy Easter!

Click on this and enjoy!

http://www.yahoo.americangreetings.com/ecards/view.pd?i=334097358&m=5641&source=yahoo992

Strange Thing

Just when I think I'm feeling ok, memories then emotions take over! After that comes the river of tears.

You have taken account of my wanderings, put my tears in Your bottle.
Psalm 56:8