Sunday, November 7, 2010

Wow! It's already November.

I haven't posted for awhile and I can really feel it. There are things that I need to get off of my chest! When I get up in the morning and look outside at the new day I can hardly believe that Bill and Patrick are gone! It's strange the hand I've been dealt. Things seem normal sometimes but then again sometimes they feel terribly wrong! I go about my day but there are moments when I want to scream, "Hey everyone! Don't you get it? My husband and son are dead!" There...... I said the word. "Dead", it's an awful word of finality. I can't get it out of my mouth most of the time. But that's the way it is, that's my reality.

I have a secret. If I died today it wouldn't bother me. I'd get to be with them. I'd get to be in heaven. Don't get me wrong, I'm not wishing that I would die. I'm just saying that if I did, I'd be fine with that. Losing a husband and a son at the same time has shaken me to the core. I'll never be the same. I need to give myself permission to travel this journey however long it takes. Hopefully, you'll understand.

When I walk through my entryway every night, I'm reminded that Patrick loved the holidays and when he was in Steamboat a few years back he brought back a lit fall tree for me and Erynn. I couldn't put it up last year but now that I have this season, I smile when I walk by it because I think of him.


Anonymous said...

Many hugs to you.

Anonymous said...

I am holding your hand on your journey. After all I have been through this past 4 years, I sometimes wonder why I'm still around. I love my family dearly and look forward to my time with them but other times, I'm not having much fun. You have two marvelous sons still with you and your grandchildren. So much to thank God for. Love you forever, Dad.

Jessica Harrison said...

My heart breaks for you and your family. I don't know you and only came across your blog thru another. I have read every entry of you and your daughter in laws blog. I have cried, smiled, laughed and cursed. You have such a beautiful family! I just wanted you to know, I think of your family often as I'm sure many many strangers do. I'll keep you all in my prayers. I just can't imagine what you all go thru each and every day. I hope you have a blessed day today. Much love and hugs from small town Missouri.

Linda & Steve said...

What a beautiful tree, it is great to have so many memories, we are here for you, Love Linda & Steve
Love you much