Come out, come out, wherever you are!

Whew! The coast is clear! I can come out of hiding now! January is finally over and I can say goodbye to a terrible month! I wouldn't mind if it was removed from the calendar!

I love Christmas and everything that it represents and I always have. When it's over, I'm really bummed. So when January arrives and I have to clean and pack up all of the decorations that I love to put out, I get a little bit sad. No.....I get really sad!

Then New Years brings resolutions and resolutions reminds me of the ones that I broke last year. I can't help but be a little disappointed in myself. I didn't lose the weight, I didn't spend time on my creative side and I didn't get organized after all! YUCK!

Then on top of it all, it's my birthday! DOUBLE YUCK!! Who likes getting older? Not me! Older brings new wrinkles, an expanded waistline, a slower step and more aches and pains. It's just a reminder that I'm closer to the end. Boy! I really sound depressing!

It doesn't help that the accident happened in January either. I'm sure that that in itself magnifies my sadness. A new year starts and I should feel hopeful but I just don't. So now it's February and my "Valentine" is gone and I need to muster up the effort to smile. I pray to find meaning in what seems meaningless and hope in what seems hopeless. The Lord promises me that He's with me and believe me, I wouldn't have made it this far if He wasn't.

"....but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint" Isaiah 40:31

Steamboat in January 2011

Finally Home by Mercy Me

I wonder if I'll ever be able to listen to this song without crying?

All I want for Christmas

Dear Santa,

Would you bring my Husband and Son back this Christmas as my gift? It's all I want and I've been a very good girl! I've been brave and put a smile on my face even when I didn't feel like it. I've kept putting one foot in front of the other with God's help even when my legs wouldn't move.  My strength is gone and my smile wanes. I'm just not the same girl that I used to be. If I could only see them again to give them a hug and tell them how much I love them I'd be so happy. Christmas would be perfect if you'd only give me the gift that I'm asking for. PLEASE!

Love,

Debi

What is thankfulness?

Since my last "feeling sorry for myself" post I've had a revelation of sorts. I can get up in the morning and choose each day to be thankful for what I have! Trust me, it's not easy; it's possible though. I've made some headway since last year and I give that to God for sure!

After a recent church sermon preparing us for the Thanksgiving holiday I was reminded that in
I Thessalonians 5:18 we are called to: "Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." Hmmmm, all circumstances? Yep.......all circumstances! Even when I've lost my husband and son in an airplane crash? Even when I feel that my world has come crashing down? Even when my tears won't stop flowing? How about when I see Patrick's children without their earthly Father who loved them so much? Yep........even then!

What does that look like in real life? I can't say that I know for sure. I'm trusting that if God said it then it's true and it's possible and I'll keep holding on to it. I'll try a new perspective when I can. Being thankful puts my focus in the right place. I'm not sick. I get up each morning maybe a little more slowly but I get up. I have a beautiful home with family and friends to love. I have food on my table with more overflowing. I have clothes to wear and a church to go to and I can express myself in a free country. I have MUCH to be thankful for!!

 Will and Colin

 Reesie with her new puppy! (notice the pigtails!)

 left to right
Colin Rooney, Bobby Sole, Sean Rooney, Bryan Johnston

Patrick would have turned 28 on November 17th, 2010

Life is a gift! Live in thankfulness for that gift!
Have a blessed Thanksgiving!

XOXO

Wow! It's already November.

I haven't posted for awhile and I can really feel it. There are things that I need to get off of my chest! When I get up in the morning and look outside at the new day I can hardly believe that Bill and Patrick are gone! It's strange the hand I've been dealt. Things seem normal sometimes but then again sometimes they feel terribly wrong! I go about my day but there are moments when I want to scream, "Hey everyone! Don't you get it? My husband and son are dead!" There...... I said the word. "Dead", it's an awful word of finality. I can't get it out of my mouth most of the time. But that's the way it is, that's my reality.

I have a secret. If I died today it wouldn't bother me. I'd get to be with them. I'd get to be in heaven. Don't get me wrong, I'm not wishing that I would die. I'm just saying that if I did, I'd be fine with that. Losing a husband and a son at the same time has shaken me to the core. I'll never be the same. I need to give myself permission to travel this journey however long it takes. Hopefully, you'll understand.

When I walk through my entryway every night, I'm reminded that Patrick loved the holidays and when he was in Steamboat a few years back he brought back a lit fall tree for me and Erynn. I couldn't put it up last year but now that I have this season, I smile when I walk by it because I think of him.

Laughter..........and a little boy

They say that laughter is the best medicine and I believe it!
Solomon in Ecclesiastes says that there is a time to weep and a time to laugh.
This was our time to laugh and it felt soooo good!
God is faithful. So far He's blessed me with two darling grandchildren that bring incredible joy to my life. I'm very thankful. It's funny because it wasn't too long ago when I struggled to find anything to be thankful for. Hmmmm.............maybe the healing is beginning?

Video characters:
Erynn (Mommy): filming
Uncle Bam Bam (Sean): driving and speaking in Japanese =)
Auntie Jana: in car laughing
GiGi (Debi): referred to by Will, sitting in way back
Uncle Eeee (Colin): referred to by Will saying "sushi" and "was up mein?"
Will: The Main Attraction!
Reese: Baby Sis and finale

dreams

I've prayed that I would see you in my dreams, both of you. Recently my prayer was answered. It's not the first time. It was so nice to have you both there though.......at the same time. I don't remember much detail but we were traveling by train together and I felt good. When I woke up I was overwhelmed with a good feeling as if you were both telling me that it's ok, that you're with me still just a slight dimension away. I wished that I could go back to sleep to be with you both again. That's the only bad part, not wanting to wake up.