I want my perfect life back!

I want my perfect life back again.........the life that felt so complete!
The life that I had that was full of laughter. The tears I cried were for others not for me.
I want my life back that was full of music that made me smile instead of cry.
I want the life again that was focused on raising a family and supporting my husband in all that he did, not this one where all of the responsibility lies with me. I want my simple life again and not this one that feels like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders.
I want my life back again where each day I looked forward to my husband coming home from work just like in the old TV shows.
I want the life back again that relished when my son stopped over and hopped up on the kitchen counter to share with me what was going on in his life.
I want my life back where I looked forward to being Grandma & Grandpa to grandchildren together not by myself.
I want the life again that cherished the words that I heard from my Daughter-in-Law, "I love my life!"
I want a life again that could not comprehend the loss of a child let alone my own.
I want my life back again that never felt lonely, the one that had so much future, the one that felt so full.
I want to have my life back again where at the end of the day I could find comfort and security in the arms of my husband!

memory and a smile

Memories made me smile today!
Two Christmases before the accident Bill surprised me with my hot little convertible sports car. At some point during our family gift opening I was told to go outside to the garage. I knew something was up but little did I know what!
Then............there she was with one of those big red bows just like the commercial! Oh my goodness! I was so excited and I felt so special! Bill had truly outdone himself!
So as I was driving back home from San Diego today with the top down, I smiled to myself as I thought of that past Christmas when my wonderful and generous husband made me feel special to him. Oh ya, it's good to smile!

The day I've dreaded

The final report from the NTSB was published today and I thought I'd be able to handle it. I've heard it all before after all. There's only one problem.........this report is final! I just have to tell myself that Bill would never take a chance. He just wasn't like that. He would never disregard his family or the family of his son. NEVER!!!!!
I hate going back to that day and wondering if they knew what was happening upon take off. Was there any time? Were they scared? Oh my goodness......did they feel any pain?
Lord, please wrap me in your blanket of mercy and comfort!

But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble. Psalm 59:16

My life is a roller coaster!

A roller coaster of emotion, I mean.

One day I feel as though I'm kinda back to normal and then I fall back into the deep pit of despair. One day I say to myself, "I will have happiness again" and then all I can think about is the broken dream. Some mornings I wake up feeling strong enough to make it through the day while other days I still have to ask the Lord to carry me to the end of it. There are times when I snicker to myself, "I get to watch whatever I want on TV tonight" or "I don't have to make dinner tonight!" But really I'd give anything to watch a movie again with my husband after making his favorite meal! I was sick recently and felt so lonely not having Bill there to take care of me. I've never been fond of roller coasters and I don't like this new life!

Mother's Day

Every act of evil extracts a tear from God, 

every plunge into anguish extracts a sob from God. 

Nicholas Wolterstorff, Lament For A Son

When Mother's Day comes I can't help but think about Patrick and how much I miss him. Unless one has experienced the pain of losing a child (even an adult child) it's hard to understand the depth of the hurt. When Patrick died, a part of me died with him. I'm not the same person and I never will be that person again. These pictures take me back to sweet, happy times as a Mother.

XOXO!

This picture cracks me up! Patrick is sitting with the construction workers at lunch while they tell him jokes. Notice his t-shirt is backwards!

Hunting started early!

Bill's Birthday Present

Pepperdine University Graduation 2011

So fun when they throw their caps!

We're all very proud of Colin

Bill would have turned 57 this past Saturday. Instead of sadness that he's not here anymore to celebrate, we experienced great joy and happiness because Colin graduated from college. We're so proud! Bill would've been so proud too and felt it the perfect gift! Having Will along with us somehow felt connected to Patrick who also graduated from Pepperdine University. He would have been proud of his baby brother for sure! It was a windy but beautiful day and Will behaved wonderfully! It's hard enough for an adult to pay attention to some of the speeches let alone a three year old! Huge accomplishment Colin. Way to go!

Wedding Anniversary!

Today would've been our 29th wedding anniversary.....WOW! I know we would've made it too. Our commitment to each other was true to the core! The song I've posted has a crazy video but I'm so sure that the tune would've been one that Bill and I would get a kick out of.
Don't take each other for granted. Love each other forever from the bottom of your hearts! Live a life of no regrets........OK Please?