Wow! It's already November.

I haven't posted for awhile and I can really feel it. There are things that I need to get off of my chest! When I get up in the morning and look outside at the new day I can hardly believe that Bill and Patrick are gone! It's strange the hand I've been dealt. Things seem normal sometimes but then again sometimes they feel terribly wrong! I go about my day but there are moments when I want to scream, "Hey everyone! Don't you get it? My husband and son are dead!" There...... I said the word. "Dead", it's an awful word of finality. I can't get it out of my mouth most of the time. But that's the way it is, that's my reality.

I have a secret. If I died today it wouldn't bother me. I'd get to be with them. I'd get to be in heaven. Don't get me wrong, I'm not wishing that I would die. I'm just saying that if I did, I'd be fine with that. Losing a husband and a son at the same time has shaken me to the core. I'll never be the same. I need to give myself permission to travel this journey however long it takes. Hopefully, you'll understand.

When I walk through my entryway every night, I'm reminded that Patrick loved the holidays and when he was in Steamboat a few years back he brought back a lit fall tree for me and Erynn. I couldn't put it up last year but now that I have this season, I smile when I walk by it because I think of him.

Laughter..........and a little boy

They say that laughter is the best medicine and I believe it!
Solomon in Ecclesiastes says that there is a time to weep and a time to laugh.
This was our time to laugh and it felt soooo good!
God is faithful. So far He's blessed me with two darling grandchildren that bring incredible joy to my life. I'm very thankful. It's funny because it wasn't too long ago when I struggled to find anything to be thankful for. Hmmmm.............maybe the healing is beginning?

Video characters:
Erynn (Mommy): filming
Uncle Bam Bam (Sean): driving and speaking in Japanese =)
Auntie Jana: in car laughing
GiGi (Debi): referred to by Will, sitting in way back
Uncle Eeee (Colin): referred to by Will saying "sushi" and "was up mein?"
Will: The Main Attraction!
Reese: Baby Sis and finale

dreams

I've prayed that I would see you in my dreams, both of you. Recently my prayer was answered. It's not the first time. It was so nice to have you both there though.......at the same time. I don't remember much detail but we were traveling by train together and I felt good. When I woke up I was overwhelmed with a good feeling as if you were both telling me that it's ok, that you're with me still just a slight dimension away. I wished that I could go back to sleep to be with you both again. That's the only bad part, not wanting to wake up.

It's time

I think it's time for me to start putting things away that belong to Bill.
He isn't coming back after all.
His clothes are hanging on the rack in the bathroom. Why?
Maybe I haven't been able to face the fact that he really isn't going to come
through the door ever again yelling WOMAN!
His slippers and a pair of shoes are sitting in front of the closet like they've been
for a year and a half.............just waiting.
It's terrifying to realize that I'm alone without the part
that made me feel complete.
Somewhere deep inside of me I need to find the me that came before him.
But that was so long ago.

Reflections in Steamboat

I'm in Steamboat and I'm enjoying it. It's beautiful here! We did this more for Bill though. This is where he really looked forward to spending his time. He loved it here and I'm sad that I don't get to savor the time here together with him. This was his conception. Every place I look I want to turn to him and say "This turned out great!" But it's more than that. He loved the outdoors and this is where he was going to fill that love. Instead I'm doing it without him. I miss the opportunity to hear him say "Welcome to God's country!" Steamboat is filled with down to earth nice people, no traffic and great beauty and I wish so much that Bill was here to enjoy it with me!

Bill loved his Gator! Now Colin gets to love it

He'd be sitting in this chair admiring his territory

He'd be smiling at this gorgeous sunset

He'd be smiling at this rainbow too

What does a Father pass on?

His name,
His looks,
His smile,
The way that he walks.
He passes on
His sense of humor,His compassion, His generosity
and How to love.
He passes on
His integrity, His faith,
His confidence and.....oops! His temper.
He passes on
His mechanical skills,
His business mind and
His common sense.
He passes on
His love of hunting and the great outdoors
and His talent for baseball.
He passes on
His way with people,
His tenderness and
the love he has for his family.
Happy Father's Day!

Green Bracelets

When I see green bracelets my heart skips a beat!
If you don't wear one, it's OK.
I'm not sure what it means to me.
Someday, I'm sure, I'll take mine off.
In the meantime, I'm touched when I see one.
It could be my Dad,
my sister,
or my friend.
I might see one on Colin's baseball teammate,
one of Patrick's dear friends,
or even my banker!
It might be my daughter-in-law's sister or aunt,
a friend of my nephew's, or even a note that says Patrick's Little League All-star teammate still keeps his on too.
When I'm asked to send one to one of Patrick's Pepperdine baseball teammates, I smile.
I guess it comforts me to know Bill and Patrick are still remembered.