The "Mean Season"

There!

I’ve named it………...it’s the “mean season”. 

It starts November 17^th,  Patrick’s Birthday, and doesn’t end until January 11^th, the anniversary of the accident. In between come all of the holidays that were more fun when Bill and Patrick were here. 

Thanksgiving was always fun and as I look back, I realize how much of a help my men were when it came time to prepare for the traditional meal. We were always blessed to be joined by much family and friends and the memories I hold now are forever etched in my mind. Christmas was a great time too! I took great delight decorating our home and loved the oohs and aahs that came when it was complete. Bill, (reluctantly at first) eventually became immersed in the magic and wonder of the season even adding each year to our collection of decorations himself.  Then would come our trip to the mountains for New Years. Sometimes we wound up in local mountains while other times we made it to Steamboat Springs. Family members would inevitably join us to put together puzzles, play charades and gather by the fire to ring in the New Year. Now, it’s Will’s birthday on the 31^st and Bill and Patrick’s absence adds the bitter to the sweet.

With each year that’s passed since the accident there has been a time when the skies seemed grayer and I’ve felt heaviness on my shoulders that won’t go away. As hard as I try to shake it, it just won’t budge. Giving it a name gives it credibility. No, I’m not going crazy! It’s something to reckon with. It forces me to look at it directly and face it even though it’s ugly. Will the “mean season” ever disappear? I doubt it. Maybe the skies will be less gray. Maybe the heaviness that I feel will become lighter. Maybe the “mean season” will give way entirely to a season with a new name.

To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heavens.  Ecclesiastes 3:1

Music To My Ears!

“Gigi? Can I have a snack?”

“Yes you can”

“Gigi? Will you hold my hand?”

“Yes”

“Gigi? Will you play with me?”

“I’d love to!”

“Gigi? Are you my gramma?”

“Yah but call me gigi.”

“Gigi? How old are you?”

“I’m 53, how old are you?”

“I’m free!”

“Gigi? I need to go potty”

“Okay”

“Gigi? Are you my friend?”

“I’ll always be your friend.”

“Gigi?”

“What?”

“Hi”

“Hi”

“Gigi?”

“Hmmmm?”

“I love you.”

“I love you more.”

“I love you more than all the animals.”

“Well I love you more than all the stars in the sky!”

“Well I love you more than all God’s creation!”

Will and Reese 

Will and Reese (I know....awwwww!)

Monroe having fun!

 Monroe's 1st plane ride

laps

I swam laps in the pool early this evening.........hard laps. Angry laps, then sad laps. It all ended in tears. At least I got some exercise!
Lately, days with Patrick's children end in tears because I'm really sad and angry that he's missing them. He's missing the delight that I'm experiencing with his children. It's getting to me. Patrick couldn't believe that he was having a girl and today, with Reese, all I could think of is Patrick laughing while her and I paint each others finger nails. She would say the darndest girl things and I wish that I could share it with Patrick. She loves to sing and dance and Patrick would be saying, "oh my gosh, can you believe her?"
The whole time that I swam, Patrick's dog, Duke, was barking and whining, even jumping in the pool at times trying to save me, it seemed. When I finished and was sitting on a patio chair in tears Duke seemed to put his head in my lap to console me saying, "it's okay." As I sat there in a heap, I noticed two birds fly low over the pool together chirping in delight. I was reminded that Bill and Patrick are in heaven rejoicing, having a great time, enjoying the presence of the Lord. "Don't be so sad" the birds seemed to say.
.........okay, I'll try.

princess dress, princess sunglasses, princess fingernails......she's a princess!

a jewel on each fingernail

Seems calm now!

By the way, here's Duke

Missing them

I just miss them. All of them. Bill, Patrick, my Dad, my grandparents, Uncle Dan, Jeff Baker, Aunt Marilyn, Maryann Shappi, Princess Dianna, Tim Russert and so many more. Death is a part of life. We will all die eventually, some sooner than others. I guess that's what I'm coming to grips with.

It makes me sad nonetheless. I can cry at the drop of a pin. Is that a good thing? Not really, what's the question when faced with death? It can't be meaningless! I think that it's hard on this side of heaven to accept the fact that they're gone but think about it.....if they believe, they're experiencing glory that we cannot comprehend. Halleluiah!

We can all have that assurance when we die. Thank you Lord! It doesn't take much. Just repeat after me: "Lord, I want to know you in an intimate way! Please come into my life, I want to know you for myself. I'm a sinner and I've done wrong and I'm unable to save myself. I believe that Jesus died on the cross to take away my sins and He rose from the dead to give me eternal life. I accept the sacrifice that He made for me and want Him to take control of my life. AMEN"

Father's Day

My heart is breaking as I realize that Father's Day looms! 

My "Dear Ole Dad" is recently gone and my husband's death still reveals 

an emptiness that hurts deeply. 

Then comes the realization of the loss of my oldest son.........

he has two sweet children that will never get to know him. 

What do I do with that? 

There is a new Daddy now, which I'm thankful for, 

but I'm hurting none the less that they don't get to experience my son, Patrick. 

What do I do with all of this emotion? 

A new grandchild (Monroe) was born to my second son and his wife......

praise the Lord for new life! 

He's deserving of a magnificent first Father's Day! She's glorious! 

I'm incredibly conflicted! Life can be so bittersweet!

What Is A Dad?

A Dad is someone who

wants to catch you before you fall

but instead picks you up,

brushes you off,

and lets you try again.

A Dad is someone who
wants to keep you from making mistakes
but instead lets you find your own way,
even though his heart breaks in silence
when you hurt.

A Dad is someone who
holds you when you cry,
scolds you when you break the rules,
shines with pride when you succeed,
and has faith in you even when you fail...

Me and my Daddy

Bill and his boys

Patrick and Will

 Sean with brand new daughter Monroe

PS.......

I know that you want to remind me of all I should be thankful for, all of the many blessings that I have. Yes, I get it. My Dad would've been the first to remind me of that  (look back at his previous blog comments) 

I'm just sad today, that's all, just sad. Tomorrow brings new joy, I know.

 

 

The Circle of Life

I take things in much deeper now that I've experienced the loss of my husband and son. My joys are so much greater but my suffering seems more excruciating. My heart bleeds for others like never before and the pain that others are going through touches me deeply. I guess that's the way God intended it.

My third grandchild was born at the end of April and what a marvel it was to experience her coming into the world. She's absolutely beautiful (if I do say so myself!) and her Mommy and Daddy are proving to be champions at parenting. Not only that, I've witnessed the bond they've strengthened through the birth of their first child and it's inspiring! It leaves me with sweet hope! Hope for a new generation.......

 Monroe Patricia

Then comes the other part, My Dad passed away right afterward, way sooner than expected. He was my biggest fan and I'm not sure how I'm going to get along without him.The unconditional love for his children and grandchildren that he learned from his Mom is what I strive for today. He always saw the glass half full but when Bill and Patrick died he was deeply affected. I'm comforted by the fact that he's in heaven enjoying Jesus with them both now! Praise God!
Whenever he left a message it went like this: "Darling Daughter Debi, this is your Dear Ole Dad." I'm really going to miss that!

 

Love you more Dear ole Dad!

To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die; a time to plant and a time to uproot; a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to break down and a time to build up. Ecclesiastes 3:1-3

I Just Realized That Today Would've Been Our 30th Wedding Anniversary!

I knew it was our wedding anniversary today but I didn't realize that it would've been our 30th. That hurts! It makes me sad! Why does it change when I understand the significance? I'm not sure, but it does.

Bill and I had a great marriage full of love, friendship, and understanding. I loved him so much. He was my focus each day and what I looked forward to each night. I felt so lucky. I had no regrets!

Happy 30th Wedding Anniversary!

Such a sweet song........try to get past the Billy Idol part!