Debi Rooney's Ultimate Journey

Story Quilts

2012-01-08T11:47:00.000-08:00

Christmas has proved to be a difficult time without Bill and Patrick here to help celebrate it anymore. There was something different about this year however and I think I know one of the reasons why. There was a special gift given to Sean and Colin. Little did I realize that these special gifts given FROM me would actually feel like a gift TO me!
A very talented seamstress in Washington made beautiful quilts out of Bill's clothing telling stories that captured wonderful memories of my sons with their father and older brother. Tears were shed as each quilt was opened and then marveled at. Tears turned to smiles as each event was relived. We laughed! Then a sense of healing takes place as we remember all of the great times that we had. I'm convinced that these quilts hold in them an almost magical quality of peace and comfort.

Colin's Quilt

Sean's Quilt

Grandchild

2011-10-30T19:31:00.000-07:00

Grandchild

Child of my child,
Heart of my heart,
Your smile bridges the years between us--
I am young again discovering the world
through your eyes.
You have the time to listen
And I have the time to spend.
Delighted to gaze at familiar,
loved features, made new in you again.
Through you, I'll see the future
Through me, you'll know the past
In the present we'll love one another
As long as these moments last.

Reesie loves Gigi's glasses

Will is precious

How cute is she?

Gee......what's not to like about this pic?

And a new one on the way! Yay!

I only wish that Grandpa Airplane was here to share it with me.

The miracle of life brings sanity to mine and a new perspective of hope! xoxo

I want my perfect life back!

2011-09-17T13:17:00.000-07:00

I want my perfect life back again.........the life that felt so complete!
The life that I had that was full of laughter. The tears I cried were for others not for me.
I want my life back that was full of music that made me smile instead of cry.
I want the life again that was focused on raising a family and supporting my husband in all that he did, not this one where all of the responsibility lies with me. I want my simple life again and not this one that feels like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders.
I want my life back again where each day I looked forward to my husband coming home from work just like in the old TV shows.
I want the life back again that relished when my son stopped over and hopped up on the kitchen counter to share with me what was going on in his life.
I want my life back where I looked forward to being Grandma & Grandpa to grandchildren together not by myself.
I want the life again that cherished the words that I heard from my Daughter-in-Law, "I love my life!"
I want a life again that could not comprehend the loss of a child let alone my own.
I want my life back again that never felt lonely, the one that had so much future, the one that felt so full.
I want to have my life back again where at the end of the day I could find comfort and security in the arms of my husband!

memory and a smile

2011-08-14T20:32:00.000-07:00

Memories made me smile today!
Two Christmases before the accident Bill surprised me with my hot little convertible sports car. At some point during our family gift opening I was told to go outside to the garage. I knew something was up but little did I know what!
Then............there she was with one of those big red bows just like the commercial! Oh my goodness! I was so excited and I felt so special! Bill had truly outdone himself!
So as I was driving back home from San Diego today with the top down, I smiled to myself as I thought of that past Christmas when my wonderful and generous husband made me feel special to him. Oh ya, it's good to smile!

The day I've dreaded

2011-06-28T22:17:00.000-07:00

The final report from the NTSB was published today and I thought I'd be able to handle it. I've heard it all before after all. There's only one problem.........this report is final! I just have to tell myself that Bill would never take a chance. He just wasn't like that. He would never disregard his family or the family of his son. NEVER!!!!!
I hate going back to that day and wondering if they knew what was happening upon take off. Was there any time? Were they scared? Oh my goodness......did they feel any pain?
Lord, please wrap me in your blanket of mercy and comfort!

But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble. Psalm 59:16

My life is a roller coaster!

2011-06-05T19:59:00.000-07:00

A roller coaster of emotion, I mean.

One day I feel as though I'm kinda back to normal and then I fall back into the deep pit of despair. One day I say to myself, "I will have happiness again" and then all I can think about is the broken dream. Some mornings I wake up feeling strong enough to make it through the day while other days I still have to ask the Lord to carry me to the end of it. There are times when I snicker to myself, "I get to watch whatever I want on TV tonight" or "I don't have to make dinner tonight!" But really I'd give anything to watch a movie again with my husband after making his favorite meal! I was sick recently and felt so lonely not having Bill there to take care of me. I've never been fond of roller coasters and I don't like this new life!

Mother's Day

2011-05-15T17:40:00.000-07:00

Every act of evil extracts a tear from God,

every plunge into anguish extracts a sob from God.

Nicholas Wolterstorff, Lament For A Son

When Mother's Day comes I can't help but think about Patrick and how much I miss him. Unless one has experienced the pain of losing a child (even an adult child) it's hard to understand the depth of the hurt. When Patrick died, a part of me died with him. I'm not the same person and I never will be that person again. These pictures take me back to sweet, happy times as a Mother.

XOXO!

This picture cracks me up! Patrick is sitting with the construction workers at lunch while they tell him jokes. Notice his t-shirt is backwards!

Hunting started early!

Bill's Birthday Present

2011-05-03T15:04:00.000-07:00

Pepperdine University Graduation 2011

So fun when they throw their caps!

We're all very proud of Colin

Bill would have turned 57 this past Saturday. Instead of sadness that he's not here anymore to celebrate, we experienced great joy and happiness because Colin graduated from college. We're so proud! Bill would've been so proud too and felt it the perfect gift! Having Will along with us somehow felt connected to Patrick who also graduated from Pepperdine University. He would have been proud of his baby brother for sure! It was a windy but beautiful day and Will behaved wonderfully! It's hard enough for an adult to pay attention to some of the speeches let alone a three year old! Huge accomplishment Colin. Way to go!

Wedding Anniversary!

2011-03-27T20:17:00.000-07:00

Today would've been our 29th wedding anniversary.....WOW! I know we would've made it too. Our commitment to each other was true to the core! The song I've posted has a crazy video but I'm so sure that the tune would've been one that Bill and I would get a kick out of.
Don't take each other for granted. Love each other forever from the bottom of your hearts! Live a life of no regrets........OK Please?

Change

2011-03-06T17:16:00.000-08:00

These days I'm struggling with change. Most of the time it makes me sad. During what seems like a very long time ago it didn't bother me so much. In fact, I welcomed it. I like the change of seasons and I enjoy a change of scenery. I love to change clothes and get comfortable and I really like a little change in my purse! It's so exciting to change countries and see things that I've never seen before.

A change of your mind can be a good or bad thing, it just depends. A policy change can be something for the better but I don't really like most of the policy change being made in our country today. The change in wind direction can mean a storm is on the way or the Santa Ana winds are coming.

I don't like rule changes in the middle of the game. It's hard to adjust to an address change (well, maybe not if it's to the Italian countryside!) What I don't like is life change! I know that it's inevitable and it can be a healthy thing. I'm just not ready for it. I also know that this is my problem and no one else's. It's just hard! I'd like to be able to embrace it and hopefully someday I will.

"God grant me the Serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the difference."

Come out, come out, wherever you are!

2011-02-06T18:19:00.000-08:00

Whew! The coast is clear! I can come out of hiding now! January is finally over and I can say goodbye to a terrible month! I wouldn't mind if it was removed from the calendar!

I love Christmas and everything that it represents and I always have. When it's over, I'm really bummed. So when January arrives and I have to clean and pack up all of the decorations that I love to put out, I get a little bit sad. No.....I get really sad!

Then New Years brings resolutions and resolutions reminds me of the ones that I broke last year. I can't help but be a little disappointed in myself. I didn't lose the weight, I didn't spend time on my creative side and I didn't get organized after all! YUCK!

Then on top of it all, it's my birthday! DOUBLE YUCK!! Who likes getting older? Not me! Older brings new wrinkles, an expanded waistline, a slower step and more aches and pains. It's just a reminder that I'm closer to the end. Boy! I really sound depressing!

It doesn't help that the accident happened in January either. I'm sure that that in itself magnifies my sadness. A new year starts and I should feel hopeful but I just don't. So now it's February and my "Valentine" is gone and I need to muster up the effort to smile. I pray to find meaning in what seems meaningless and hope in what seems hopeless. The Lord promises me that He's with me and believe me, I wouldn't have made it this far if He wasn't.

"....but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint" Isaiah 40:31

Steamboat in January 2011

Finally Home by Mercy Me

2011-01-08T14:04:00.000-08:00

I wonder if I'll ever be able to listen to this song without crying?

All I want for Christmas

2010-12-19T22:28:00.000-08:00

Dear Santa,

Would you bring my Husband and Son back this Christmas as my gift? It's all I want and I've been a very good girl! I've been brave and put a smile on my face even when I didn't feel like it. I've kept putting one foot in front of the other with God's help even when my legs wouldn't move. My strength is gone and my smile wanes. I'm just not the same girl that I used to be. If I could only see them again to give them a hug and tell them how much I love them I'd be so happy. Christmas would be perfect if you'd only give me the gift that I'm asking for. PLEASE!

Love,

Debi

What is thankfulness?

2010-11-22T20:55:00.000-08:00

Since my last "feeling sorry for myself" post I've had a revelation of sorts. I can get up in the morning and choose each day to be thankful for what I have! Trust me, it's not easy; it's possible though. I've made some headway since last year and I give that to God for sure!

After a recent church sermon preparing us for the Thanksgiving holiday I was reminded that in
I Thessalonians 5:18 we are called to: "Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." Hmmmm, all circumstances? Yep.......all circumstances! Even when I've lost my husband and son in an airplane crash? Even when I feel that my world has come crashing down? Even when my tears won't stop flowing? How about when I see Patrick's children without their earthly Father who loved them so much? Yep........even then!

What does that look like in real life? I can't say that I know for sure. I'm trusting that if God said it then it's true and it's possible and I'll keep holding on to it. I'll try a new perspective when I can. Being thankful puts my focus in the right place. I'm not sick. I get up each morning maybe a little more slowly but I get up. I have a beautiful home with family and friends to love. I have food on my table with more overflowing. I have clothes to wear and a church to go to and I can express myself in a free country. I have MUCH to be thankful for!!

Will and Colin

Reesie with her new puppy! (notice the pigtails!)

left to right
Colin Rooney, Bobby Sole, Sean Rooney, Bryan Johnston

Patrick would have turned 28 on November 17th, 2010

Life is a gift! Live in thankfulness for that gift!
Have a blessed Thanksgiving!

XOXO

Wow! It's already November.

2010-11-07T19:01:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted for awhile and I can really feel it. There are things that I need to get off of my chest! When I get up in the morning and look outside at the new day I can hardly believe that Bill and Patrick are gone! It's strange the hand I've been dealt. Things seem normal sometimes but then again sometimes they feel terribly wrong! I go about my day but there are moments when I want to scream, "Hey everyone! Don't you get it? My husband and son are dead!" There...... I said the word. "Dead", it's an awful word of finality. I can't get it out of my mouth most of the time. But that's the way it is, that's my reality.

I have a secret. If I died today it wouldn't bother me. I'd get to be with them. I'd get to be in heaven. Don't get me wrong, I'm not wishing that I would die. I'm just saying that if I did, I'd be fine with that. Losing a husband and a son at the same time has shaken me to the core. I'll never be the same. I need to give myself permission to travel this journey however long it takes. Hopefully, you'll understand.

When I walk through my entryway every night, I'm reminded that Patrick loved the holidays and when he was in Steamboat a few years back he brought back a lit fall tree for me and Erynn. I couldn't put it up last year but now that I have this season, I smile when I walk by it because I think of him.

Laughter..........and a little boy

2010-09-30T20:27:00.000-07:00

They say that laughter is the best medicine and I believe it!
Solomon in Ecclesiastes says that there is a time to weep and a time to laugh.
This was our time to laugh and it felt soooo good!
God is faithful. So far He's blessed me with two darling grandchildren that bring incredible joy to my life. I'm very thankful. It's funny because it wasn't too long ago when I struggled to find anything to be thankful for. Hmmmm.............maybe the healing is beginning?

Video characters:
Erynn (Mommy): filming
Uncle Bam Bam (Sean): driving and speaking in Japanese =)
Auntie Jana: in car laughing
GiGi (Debi): referred to by Will, sitting in way back
Uncle Eeee (Colin): referred to by Will saying "sushi" and "was up mein?"
Will: The Main Attraction!
Reese: Baby Sis and finale

dreams

2010-09-05T12:33:00.000-07:00

I've prayed that I would see you in my dreams, both of you. Recently my prayer was answered. It's not the first time. It was so nice to have you both there though.......at the same time. I don't remember much detail but we were traveling by train together and I felt good. When I woke up I was overwhelmed with a good feeling as if you were both telling me that it's ok, that you're with me still just a slight dimension away. I wished that I could go back to sleep to be with you both again. That's the only bad part, not wanting to wake up.

It's time

2010-08-01T18:03:00.000-07:00

I think it's time for me to start putting things away that belong to Bill.
He isn't coming back after all.
His clothes are hanging on the rack in the bathroom. Why?
Maybe I haven't been able to face the fact that he really isn't going to come
through the door ever again yelling WOMAN!
His slippers and a pair of shoes are sitting in front of the closet like they've been
for a year and a half.............just waiting.
It's terrifying to realize that I'm alone without the part
that made me feel complete.
Somewhere deep inside of me I need to find the me that came before him.
But that was so long ago.

Reflections in Steamboat

2010-07-16T11:06:00.000-07:00

I'm in Steamboat and I'm enjoying it. It's beautiful here! We did this more for Bill though. This is where he really looked forward to spending his time. He loved it here and I'm sad that I don't get to savor the time here together with him. This was his conception. Every place I look I want to turn to him and say "This turned out great!" But it's more than that. He loved the outdoors and this is where he was going to fill that love. Instead I'm doing it without him. I miss the opportunity to hear him say "Welcome to God's country!" Steamboat is filled with down to earth nice people, no traffic and great beauty and I wish so much that Bill was here to enjoy it with me!

Bill loved his Gator! Now Colin gets to love it

He'd be sitting in this chair admiring his territory

He'd be smiling at this gorgeous sunset

He'd be smiling at this rainbow too

What does a Father pass on?

2010-06-19T19:37:00.000-07:00

His name,
His looks,
His smile,
The way that he walks.
He passes on
His sense of humor,His compassion, His generosity
and How to love.
He passes on
His integrity, His faith,
His confidence and.....oops! His temper.
He passes on
His mechanical skills,
His business mind and
His common sense.
He passes on
His love of hunting and the great outdoors
and His talent for baseball.
He passes on
His way with people,
His tenderness and
the love he has for his family.
Happy Father's Day!

Green Bracelets

2010-06-01T19:27:00.000-07:00

When I see green bracelets my heart skips a beat!
If you don't wear one, it's OK.
I'm not sure what it means to me.
Someday, I'm sure, I'll take mine off.
In the meantime, I'm touched when I see one.
It could be my Dad,
my sister,
or my friend.
I might see one on Colin's baseball teammate,
one of Patrick's dear friends,
or even my banker!
It might be my daughter-in-law's sister or aunt,
a friend of my nephew's, or even a note that says Patrick's Little League All-star teammate still keeps his on too.
When I'm asked to send one to one of Patrick's Pepperdine baseball teammates, I smile.
I guess it comforts me to know Bill and Patrick are still remembered.

Inspiration!

2010-05-23T19:28:00.000-07:00

For our 10th wedding anniversary Bill took me to France! It was a wonderful trip! Among other things, we visited Monet's garden outside of Paris in Giverney and there our love for beautiful gardens began. Especially our love of roses! We came home and tried to mimic some of what we saw. It worked to a large degree and in the spring, especially this spring, I venture into the garden, see the roses, and think of Bill! How sweet he was to get on board with roses! I actually think he liked them too! We seemed to be on the same page when it came to decor and how we wanted our home to look. I was so lucky that way......thank you Bill!

Monet's Garden.......Inspiration!

Bill is so cute!

Bill had to put on a suit for the restaurant we were going to!

This is our backyard. I love it!

Believe it or not, our dogs live behind those doors!

This is my garden!

This is in my garden!

"Love planted a rose and the world turned sweet"

Mother's Day 2010

2010-05-11T17:47:00.000-07:00

I think about days like Mother's Day and Father's Day very differently now. I don't really like them. I called them "Hallmark Holidays" before. I didn't need a special day that someone else decided was a day to be celebrated. I felt special and loved most of the time anyway! These holidays were designed by the retail industry to make us spend our money. Now, I think of all the people who wish that these days didn't serve as a reminder of what they lost. Next, I think of anyone who actually loses a child or parent on Mother's Day or Father's Day...............worse!

What can I tell myself to get through this? I say things like, "it could be worse!" or, "I'm thankful I had them in the first place" and sometimes even, "I'll see them in heaven some day." It makes sense in my head but not always in my heart. Remember to cherish every moment; keep the people you love close!

Happy Birthday Bill!

2010-05-02T16:31:00.000-07:00

Kinda weird seeing a model airplane flying

Bill missed another birthday. He would've been 56. I always envied the fact that he didn't really mind getting older. He insisted he'd get an eye job one of these days though. He was great to have around. He was fun, he made life an adventure! I feel less than whole without him........ come to think of it, I feel barely a part.

I had hoped to be in Steamboat again for the big day but was warned of a snow storm that would probably make an already sad day even more gloomy. It was beautiful here in California. My sweet sister went with me to a local trail that Bill and I hiked to regularly and let off notes attached to balloons. I know it's not environmentally friendly but I'm not sure that I care right now!

The card read:

I said a prayer for you today,
the way I always do.
To thank God for the precious gift
of sharing life with you.

I thanked Him for the way we met,
the way we fell in love.
Realizing now that
He was watching from above.

And then I asked
for every special blessing He could send
For you-my one and only,
my husband and my friend.

Happy Birthday With All My Love!

Patrick.......Daddy

2010-04-26T10:55:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the struggle to survive this awful sorrow is just too much to take.
When I see a young Father with his kids I feel ripped off for Will and Reese. Patrick was going to be such a great Dad! He wanted to be a Father so much! When I realize that Will and Reese aren't going to get the opportunity to know Patrick I wonder where the sense of that is? What is the justification, God? Please tell me! I don't understand!

Believe me, there are many of us that will tell stories about Patrick to Will and Reese. We'll tell them how much he loved them but it won't be the same! I want to see Patrick hold his kids and throw them up in the air laughing! I want him to hug and kiss them until they giggle uncontrollably! I would've loved to see Patrick teach them and play with them like a loving Daddy would do. I feel so jipped!

Widow?

2010-04-09T20:36:00.000-07:00

I recently had to sign some papers. I showed up to the appointment with much anticipation. "This is my first business transaction to do all by myself" I said to myself. (Bill was an expert at it) I sat down at the conference table and looked at the stack of paperwork in front of me. Oh my gosh!.......

Debra A. Rooney, Widow

Are you kidding? That's what I am now? A widow?
I'm in shock and feel a little light headed.
I just don't want to believe it.
I wish there was a better word.
I'm feeling a little sorry for myself.
Don't I always get to check the married box?
I don't even have any pictures by myself!
Do I have to accept this? Do I have a choice?
Not really. It's what I am now.
I don't like it.

Happy Easter!

2010-04-04T22:02:00.000-07:00

Click on this and enjoy!

http://www.yahoo.americangreetings.com/ecards/view.pd?i=334097358&m=5641&source=yahoo992

Strange Thing

2010-03-19T21:50:00.000-07:00

Just when I think I'm feeling ok, memories then emotions take over! After that comes the river of tears.

You have taken account of my wanderings, put my tears in Your bottle.
Psalm 56:8

Reese's Pieces Has A Candy Party!

2010-03-09T20:03:00.000-08:00

Guess what? Reese just turned 1!
What a darling little blessing you are sweet girl.
Her party was delightful thanks to a very creative Mommy!
Candy everywhere, even on the front door!
My only wish.......Daddy & Grandpa were there to share the fun. XOXO

Before February ends

2010-02-24T18:16:00.000-08:00

It's the month for love.
Besides everything, what did I love about you?
I loved......
to hold your hand,
our hikes in the hills,
getting compliments from you about the breakfasts I cooked for you,
the way you could fix anything,
checking the back of your hair making sure you covered your cowlick &
how you adored Will and chanted "Grandpa's Boy" over and over again when you held him.

I loved it when we......
talked politics,
made Home Depot runs together,
sat by the fire in the evening with a glass of wine,
went to lots and lots of baseball games,
traveled together to places all over the country &
realized at the same moments how blessed we were by our children!

I loved you when you........
complained that nothing was accomplished on your to do list, you only added things,
took care of me when I was sick,
exaggerated everything,
answered the phone with "Rooney Here!",
forgot things and blamed it on Old Timers disease &
fell asleep early almost every night.

I even loved it when you........
blamed the cleaning ladies when you couldn't find something,
said I was dumb for watching reality TV,
got aggravated because you couldn't reach me on my cell phone,
woke me up watching TV in the middle of the night because you couldn't sleep,
talked to yourself with hand gestures &
came back into the house time after time on your way to work forgetting one thing or another.

I loved your.......
generosity,
kindness,
common sense,
humbleness,
corny jokes &
positive outlook on life.

I miss you terribly!

I'm sad

2010-02-12T10:59:00.000-08:00

Today I feel sad. For the first time I really didn't want to get out of bed. I had to finally force myself.

I read todays devotion from "Streams In The Desert".........

Chance has not brought this ill to me;
It's God's own hand, so let it be,
For He sees what I cannot see.
There is a purpose for each pain,
And He one day will make it plain
That earthly loss is heavenly gain.
Like as a piece of tapestry
Viewed from the back appears to be
Only threads tangled hopelessly;
But in the front a picture fair
Rewards the worker for his care,
Proving his skill and patience rare.
You are the Workman, I the frame,
Lord for the glory of Your Name,
Perfect Your image on the same.

Parts of this are very hard for me to swallow but I'll keep trusting.

What happened to "Happily Ever After?"

2010-02-01T10:12:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time there was a girl. She grew up to be a head strong young woman who had all kinds of ideas about who she wanted to be when she grew up. She wanted to travel the world. There was so much to see and experience. She was quite independent!

Then she met the man of her dreams and she changed all of her plans. She wanted to marry him and start a family and she did. "She" became a "they" and together they raised three marvelous boys and had a really nice life full of fun and laughter. There was school, sports and lots of vacations to go on. Great memories were made with family and friends. Life was good. No, life was great!

On a horrible day not long ago all of that changed. The rug got taken out from under that girl while she was experiencing that great life. The man of her dreams along with one of those marvelous sons went to heaven and left her to cry rivers of tears. Her "happily ever after" was destroyed in an instant. Now she wonders what to do. She wonders who she is. She wonders if life will ever be good again.

A Nice Gesture!

2010-01-17T21:09:00.000-08:00

A sweet girl named Cherie sent this song to me. It is an awesome song that speaks to my soul. I hope you enjoy and find comfort in it like I do. Thanks Cherie!

OMGosh! It's Been a Year!

2010-01-11T05:00:00.000-08:00

I have memories of being on the computer that morning of January 11th 2009. I was organizing Christmas.......this is where that is stored and this is what I need next year........I loved this recipe but didn't like that recipe. I even have a note to self that Bill wanted me to try some lighter healthier recipes next year. I was willing to try! Oh how I wish I had the chance to try!

The day was bright and sunny and I was anticipating a call from Bill or Patrick that they arrived in Chino any moment. I looked out the study window and noticed my sister and her husband pull up in the driveway. Hmmmmm? What are they doing here? When I opened the front door and saw the look on their face I knew! I just knew and I screamed like never before! NOOOOOOO!!!

It's hard to share that moment but on this anniversary of their death I need to be real! I can't believe that this is my life and I can't believe this has happened to my family! The struggle to make sense of it all permeates my being every moment. GOD.......what do I do now? What does this mean? WHY??????

I look back on this year and see God's presence. I see the comfort and love that He promises through all of you! You've been sweet, full of wisdom and amazing! Your prayers have felt like a blanket of comfort that wraps around my heart and soul. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! I leave you with this...........

We are hard pressed on every side but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. II Corinthians 4:8

Last Memories

2009-12-29T18:09:00.000-08:00

YUMMY!

Bill loved to play!

Sometimes pictures are pure torture for me!

These pictures are sweet though and make me smile through my tears.

It's time for Will's 2nd birthday (New Year's Eve!) and looking back on his 1st

and how much fun we all had makes me glad that these are my

last memories of us all being together.

I had looked forward to it always being like this but now I need to get used to

going on without them and trying to make new, fun memories. HARD!!

I'm not especially fond of staying up until midnight for New Years and neither was Bill. I think I'll celebrate Will's birthday, be with the kids, go to bed and wake up in 2010 with new hope.....maybe......hopefully........Lord willing.

More Christmas Memories!

2009-12-22T19:03:00.001-08:00

The Rooney Boys

The Rooney boys and their cousins decked out in Christmas outfits made by Aunt Jackie

Sean hardly ever took off his coonskin cap!

Bringing in the tree.....Patrick working hard while Sean poses. Love Bill's tennis shorts! :-)

I choose joy, I choose Jesus!

Even though all of the light in my sky is dim, I choose to celebrate the birth of Jesus and the hope that it brings. The gift of everlasting life was bought for us by the birth of a tiny baby in a simple manger 2,000 years ago. For unto us a child is born, unto us a Son is given. The hope that was born that silent holy night is what sustains me. May your family enjoy that same hope this season and always! Merry Christmas from the Rooney family!

Christmas Memories

2009-12-15T20:24:00.000-08:00

I'm trying desperately to hold on to the wonderful memories that we made as a family in order to get through the pain of missing Bill and Patrick this Christmas. Trust me, it's harder than it sounds!

Bill alway called me his Christmas woman! It sounds sweet but sometimes I think he thought I got carried away. One year I was so disappointed that he and Patrick would be playing in a baseball tournament and wouldn't be able to put up Christmas lights on the house. What I didn't know is that while I was away visiting with Grandma, Bill and Patrick were really decking the house out! I came home with Grandma in the car for her regular stay and WOW, the house looked beautiful! (The photo doesn't do it justice) Bill even used a lift to put lights on the very top of the house! I was completely enchanted!

Patrick's 27th Birthday

2009-11-24T20:27:00.000-08:00

On November 17th 1982 William Patrick Rooney III was born to my delight.........It was a boy!

He was sweet from the beginning (a little whiney at times). He grew into a wonderful boy and then became a great man, husband and father. This is the first birthday without him and it's been so incredibly hard! A Mother's love is tender and fierce at the same time but without him sometimes it feels lost. I love you Patrick with all of my heart!

I'm not OK!

2009-11-14T20:25:00.000-08:00

I know I went to Europe but it doesn't mean that I'm ok. I know that I wear a smile on my face and I go about my business as if things are normal but I don't feel normal at all! I get together with friends and family and wear a smile but believe me, I'm crying on the inside. Life for everyone else moves forward but for me it stands still. Those around me go home to their families but my family isn't the same family anymore. Half of us are missing! If you think that I'm paying attention to what you're saying to me.....think again! When Bill and Patrick died they took half of my brain!

What I need is for you to cry with me. Don't make me feel uncomfortable when I seem out of sorts. I think that I'll be out of sorts for quite some time. As Patrick's birthday approaches, I feel more and more as though I've been dealt an unfair blow that is hard to resolve. In time I will resolve it, don't worry. God is my strength and salvation. Without Him I would not even be able to write this.

Caught by surprise!

2009-10-23T08:00:00.000-07:00

There I was with a burst of energy in the mood to do some cleaning and organizing. I like it when I feel like that!

You know how sometimes you don't see the clutter until you realize someone is coming over? That's just what happened but I felt up to the occasion?

The office was a mess. First I organized some stacks of papers and put them in files. Then I threw away some magazines that were taking up way too much space on my shelves. Books needed to be put back on the bookshelf from the last trip I made. I found things that were dated so long ago I forgot what they were for!

I looked over at the coat rack and noticed it was cluttered too. One by one I started removing first the hats and then a couple of jackets. BIG mistake........I fell apart! The sobs wracked my body. Wow, where did that come from? I guess I'm not ready to get rid of or move Bill's things. I'm just not ready. Nope, I'm not ready. I wonder when I will be?

My sweet boy

2009-10-16T08:00:00.000-07:00

Only a mother understands the deep, deep pain of losing her child. Patrick was supposed to enjoy all that life had to offer and he was well on his way! He was a darling baby...............

Then a charming young man

Then he met the girl of his dreams

And they got married happily ever after

They started a family

Patrick was a great Da Da!

And then came the icing on the cake!

Where can I put the pain of it all? It explodes all over the place and it can be so messy! The tears are never ending yet the memories so precious. Where can one go for comfort but to the Lord? I do not know.

R/J Wedding 9/26/09

2009-10-10T18:17:00.000-07:00

this gives you the idea of the mood

Will is wearing Patrick's vest and his belt buckle.

Check out Reese behind him with her suede cowboy boots

Erynn was very brave and gracious........Oh and beautiful!

This melts my heart!

Thanks for the escort Sean

The bride and groom

The bride and groom riding off into the sunset

An internal storm brewed inside of me leading up to the wedding. I was so worried that I couldn't do it without Bill or Patrick there. Either I would be crying the whole time or I'd just be blah. In fact in the days before I did have a few meltdowns and so I pleaded with the Lord to take my hand and sit beside me through this. He did! He met me were I needed and with the help of amazing family and friends I actually enjoyed myself. I could celebrate Sean and Jana, with a few tears mind you, and laughter! It was beautiful as you can see. Congratulations Sean and Jana!

One thing I love about Steamboat........crazy weather!

2009-10-02T18:08:00.000-07:00

The calm before the storm!

We're watching our barn as the storm approaches

The rainbow was beautiful!

Here's the other side of the rainbow

Doesn't this look like a Van Gogh? I'm inspired

The next day brought hail and a little snow. Uh oh, a wedding is coming!

I love the weather! Especially when I can watch it from a comfortable spot. Here we were expecting something but not expecting the dramatic scene that unfolded before us. I'm sure the pictures don't do it justice.......it was crazy and fun! Little did I know that the real internal storm was yet to come! I'll keep you posted!

I need a hug!

2009-09-20T15:56:00.000-07:00

Throughout our marriage when I asked Bill for a hug he knew that I was feeling sad or alone about something. I would ask and he would oblige with no hesitation, even if he was mad at me! Bill would say that we were a perfect fit. I fit just under his arm in a way that made him feel protective and in charge. Bill was very sweet and never felt uncomfortable about being affectionate. The kids would giggle when we would hug or kiss but I think it was a good example for them. I would give anything to feel his arms around me again!

When you say you're praying for me...........

2009-09-13T21:00:00.000-07:00

I think of this song and I can imagine that heaven is

hearing my name and how much I'm hurting! To know that God is

listening to your prayers helps me to hold on!

Thank you for lifting me and Erynn up in prayer along with our hurting families. It means so much!

Bill would've been at a Tea Party in a minute!

2009-09-12T16:34:00.001-07:00

I laugh every time that I see or hear about the "Tea Parties"

and I'll tell you why.............

When Bill was frustrated with government and it's inefficiencies and it's encroachment on our individual choices and liberty he would tell me, "What we need is a revolt by the people like the Boston Tea Party. I could really get involved with that!" I would laugh and say, "sure Bill!"

Just like so many other things, Bill was before his time. He had great intuition and foresight! I'd love it if he could see what's going on. I can imagine how much fun Bill and I would have at a Tea Party. Our sign would say "THROW THE BUMS OUT!!!"

Is this my reality?

2009-09-06T22:36:00.000-07:00

I have a love, hate relationship with the pictures and memories on my shelves!

Patrick's sweet face....I want to give him a hug again so bad!

Bill's trophy Caribou makes me want to smile and cry at the same time!

It's late.

The movie is over and the music is finished.

I'm not distracted anymore.

I look around but the memories and the missing are too much to bear!

How can this be me?

How can I endure this aching?

All I hear right now is the sound of an empty house.

Bill the story teller!

2009-08-31T18:55:00.000-07:00

When I found this picture I had to laugh! The stories that Bill would tell were delightful and captivating! The kids remember them to this day. He told the story of how our lab named Champ saved the kids from a bear attack and got clawed and that was how he got his scar! In actuality, he got Parvo and needed surgery.

A favorite prayer with the kids at night was a funny one!

"Now I lay me down to sleep,

with my Ford Bronco in the street.

If I should die before I wake,

please dear Lord put on the brake!"

He was funny and silly! I can't imagine the stories he would've told the grandkids!

It's Patrick's turn!

2009-08-18T19:42:00.000-07:00

Have I ever told you how sweet Patrick was? (I HATE to say...... was!) These pictures are evidence of what a sweet spirit he had. I hardly ever had to discipline Patrick because he was pretty compliant. When he was young he was easy.....then he grew up and got a mind of his own! His sweet spirit never left though, God gave him that! Patrick was kind to his brothers and kind to others. One of the last things that I remember that he did was to deliver breakfast burritos to the firemen in Yorba Linda who were fighting the terrible fires we experienced last year!

Bill was such a character!

2009-08-18T19:19:00.001-07:00

I've been going through photos looking for good ones for the upcoming wedding and OMG, I came across this hilarious picture of Bill and boy do the memories start to flood in! We were going on vacation with our family friends and Bill decided that he would play a joke on them and act like a nerdy tourist that they would be embarrassed to be with. Yep.....he was right they AND all of us couldn't stop laughing! I've held on to those shorts all of this time Why? To laugh!

Already missed so many sunsets!

2009-08-09T17:44:00.000-07:00

As the sun rises and sets without Bill and Patrick here to share it I can't help but think of the things that they've missed as time marches on!

They missed my Birthday

They missed the Presidential Election

They missed Valentine's Day

They missed the birth of darling Reese

They missed St. Patrick's Day

They missed Colin give a testimony to the Pepperdine student body

They missed Sean reporting to A ball in Woodbridge, Virginia

They missed the end of Winter and the beginning of Spring

They missed Sean and Colin's Birthday

They missed Colin's amazing season at Pepperdine

They missed Reese smile for the first time

They missed the season of The Bachelor

For goodness sake they missed Easter!

Then they missed Mother's Day too!

They've missed this terrible economy

They missed the trip to see Sean play ball and Father's Day at the same time

They missed the College World Series

They missed the end of Spring and beginning of Summer

They missed Will hitting a baseball off a tee

They missed 4th of July fireworks

They missed Reese roll over

They missed Sean being called up to AA in Harrisburg

They missed the death of Michael Jackson!

They don't know that Will calls Colin, Uncle eeeeeeee

They missed a trip to Havasu in 120 degree weather

They missed the exciting season of The Bachelorette

They've missed all of the progress at the Ranch in Steamboat

They missed Erynn's Birthday

They missed my perfectly divine sleepover with Will

Unfortunately they'll miss alot more.........

Last Year

2009-08-02T08:03:00.000-07:00

I love this picture and desperately want to go back to that moment when all was good with the world and my life! The agony in my soul just won't go away..........where is the sense of it all? If God loves me (and I know that He does) why would He let this happen? If God wants to heal my broken heart why would He let it be broken in the first place? The power of God and the compassion of God seem to be in direct conflict with each other. As I draw closer to Him looking for the answer, I realize that I might not ever really know. That is perplexing too!

6 months...... but who's counting?

2009-07-14T15:55:00.000-07:00

We had such a nice life and I miss him so much! Bill had a positive outlook that rubbed off on anyone who was around him, especially me! He made me laugh! I could use more of that right now. I wish I could hang out with him again and talk about politics. He was very well informed, after all, when he couldn't sleep at night he claimed he called George Bush to discuss the world's problems! ;-) It's strange to make decisions on my own, I would rather Bill call the shots any day, his ideas were always good ones. I probably should have told him that more often.

A Father's Love

2009-06-28T10:00:00.000-07:00

I loved watching Patrick's tender moments with Will
Bill was a good example

"Keep yourself in God's love as you wait for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to bring you to eternal life" Jude 1:21

Four Generations

2009-06-27T16:18:00.000-07:00

I'm so glad that we took this picture! I'm grateful to Erynn for being willing to have their son carry on the name William Patrick Rooney. This is a fitting picture for Father's Day. I only wish Bill and Patrick were here for many more!

Our Love Story

2009-06-11T17:11:00.000-07:00

When I met Bill I was drawn to his self confidence. He swept me off my feet at the Cowboy by cutting in on the dance floor to ask me to dance. Ha! He didn't even like to dance! From that night on I was his. He was funny, charming, handsome and what I wanted.

I remember how much I wanted him to ask me to marry him. He didn't ask in any special way he just casually suggested it would be great to get married. That was good enough for me! With a family of three boys following (actually 4 including Bill) my life was full and complete.

Bill taught me about baseball and hunting until I felt like an expert myself. He showed me what it meant to be generous and unselfish. He made me laugh with all of his stupid jokes! (I really miss that) I feel such a weight on my shoulders without him. He had a way of always focusing on the positive. (I miss that too!) I try to be thankful for all of the great memories that we shared and for what a special husband and father he was.

How do I get through?

2009-06-04T11:06:00.000-07:00

I'm often asked how I'm getting through this terrible loss. It's hard to answer that question on the days that I don't feel like I'm getting through at all. Then there are the days that the light comes to drown out all of the dark and pain. Here are the pictures from one of those days!

Who can resist the face of an angel?

And here is the other angel!

Will always manages to spot the airplanes and points. Hmmmm? What's up with that?

What a day!

2009-05-20T16:53:00.000-07:00

Just when you think you're all alone and God is not listening or caring.......BAMMM, something miraculous happens to tell you He's there for you and will be always!

When Will was invited to throw out the first pitch at Pepperdine's final home game, I was so excited! How thrilling, I couldn't wait. When I saw him on the field with his darling matching jersey to Erynn's my heart wanted to explode! He threw the pitch to Colin and I couldn't stop grinning from ear to ear. As if that was not enough, with the game tied in extra innings, Colin hits a walk off homerun to win the game! The God we serve is an awesome God! He knows what I need even when I don't know what to ask!

Mother's Day

2009-05-18T15:44:00.000-07:00

I can finally talk about Mother's Day. It was hard to celebrate the day with Patrick gone. Sean and Colin are away but I know they're there and will be coming home eventually. Not Patrick.

Looking back each Mother's Day I remember all the joys of being a MOM raising 3 boys.1 missing isn't fair. In my favorite Mom book, "Love You Forever", I can't face the irony of the grown son rocking the Mom when she got old after she had rocked him as a baby. I won't have Patrick to help me when I'm old and he would've been good at it.

Happy Birthday To My Man!

2009-04-30T18:38:00.000-07:00

I miss you so much, Bill that it hurts. Not that birthdays were that much of a big deal, this year it was because you're not here. The balloons were fun, we made 3 trips to the store because our cards were too heavy for lift off! It would be nice to know that you received these messages. I love you more than all the stars in the sky and can't wait to see you again!

This is what we sent!

Up up and away!

We hope you can read these in heaven!

Happy Birthday Bill/Dad

Easter 2009

2009-04-18T11:51:00.000-07:00

Made it through Easter without Bill and Patrick and it was very difficult. Focusing on the blessings helps somewhat but I still feel the emptiness.

We had so much fun on Easter.......Bill was a champion egg hider! He would start thinking about where he was going to hide the $$$ eggs days before Easter. The boy

s would start thinking about the possible places to look way in advance too! Bill desperately wanted to outsmart them and usually he did. On Easter m

orning the competition would begin and even though the boys were older, on Easter morning, hunting for eggs, they were kids again! Bittersweet memories!

This year Will tried his hand at decorating eggs. We had fun trying to keep his hands out of the dye and keeping the eggs from being crushed!

Let's be honest!

2009-03-30T21:30:00.000-07:00

I've decided that I've been sanitizing what I've been saying, trying to keep it light. The whole point was to be honest with my feelings as a way to get through this. So here goes........

IT SUCKS!!!! Every time I think of Bill or Patrick, I ache inside.

The memories only remind me of what I have lost.

I wonder when a smile or laughter will return when I think of them

instead of tears?

Dancing Patrick

Proud of his fried turkey!

Thanksgiving prowess!

Who do they look like?

2009-03-27T11:17:00.000-07:00

These pictures are so precious to me! I'm thinking that I see a little Reese in Patrick's baby pictures and some of Will in the toddler picture. Hmmmmmm?

Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints. Psalm 116:15

Boys will be boys!

2009-03-15T14:18:00.000-07:00

Will prefers rocks and dirt to toys most of the time!

In my struggle to stay sane, doing anything with Will is a nice diversion.

But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles;they shall run, and not be weary; they shall walk, and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31

Reese Paytin Rooney Enters The World!

2009-03-07T14:58:00.000-08:00

What a blessing new life is!

Thank you Lord for this little girl and the

Mommy that delivered her in uncomplicated fashion!

Take me out to the ballgame!

2009-02-28T10:47:00.000-08:00

Enjoying Breakfast with Will

OC Hillbillies RVing

Colin Looking BAD!

Colin on the left, orange jerseys look great!

Colin at 3rd

Colin started baseball this past weekend and we wanted to be there to cheer him on! We piled into an RV which was quite an experience. The cast of characters were Doug, Teresa, Erynn, Will, Sean, Jana and ME! Being back at Pepperdine watching baseball was hard without Bill being there by my side! He would've been so proud of Colin. Well, actually he might've been a little pissed that Colin didn't get to start until the Sunday game! ;-)

Trying to be thankful

2009-02-18T15:27:00.000-08:00

It's another day of sadness; most days I can't believe that I'm going through this.......it seems so unreal. I can busy myself with the details at hand but sometimes the icky realization of it all takes over and makes me sick to my stomach. I woke up this morning with a Bible verse in my head saying "Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest" I felt like the Lord was telling me to curl up in his arms and take a nap with Him and then I'll feel better. What I'd really like is to wake up from this nightmare!

I look forward to seeing Will for dinner, a bath and then bedtime to be reminded that I have things to still be thankful for!

Reluctantly, here is where I begin.

2009-02-15T14:09:00.000-08:00

On January 11th 2009 my story begins with the tragic death of my husband Bill and oldest son Patrick in a plane crash in Steamboat Springs, Colorado. Bill was the pilot with Patrick as his co pilot. No one else was on board. Bill leaves behind me and our two sons, Sean(22) and Colin(20). Patrick leaves behind his wife Erynn, son Will(1) and a baby girl on the way in March. My heart is broken and trying to mend; the sadness is overwhelming at times. With faith in Jesus as my savior, I know I will eventually heal. I'm comforted to know that Bill and Patrick are in heaven. There are many times that I wish I was there with them!

As a way to heal I thought I would share my thoughts and experiences with friends and family who are hurting and grieving too. Together we'll get through this however long it takes. I began journaling but decided that I needed more of a connection to people. I think this format might work.....after all, isn't it time to join the blogging world?